by George Clarke, with apologies to Michael Palin and Graham Chapman
ME: Hello, Mister Ghod?
GHOD: What d'you mean, "Mister"?
ME: I'm sorry, I was raised to believe Ghod was male.
GHOD: Look, I'm going to lunch...
ME: Never mind that, my Lady! I wish to complain about these Kzin what I've been reading about in these MKW stories, some of
them not half an hour ago on this very planet!
GHOD: Oh, yes, the Riit-Patriarch's Pride? What's, uh... what's wrong with them?
ME: I'll tell you what's wrong with them, my Lady. They're cats, that's what's wrong with them!
GHOD: No, no, they're... uh, they're aliens!
ME: Look, matey, I know a cat when I see one, and I'm reading about them right now!
GHOD: No, no, they're not cats, they're bizarre cat-like aliens! Remarkable aliens, the Kzinti, innit? Beautiful markings!
ME: The markings don't enter into it. They're big cats.
GHOD: Nononono, they're ratcat aliens!
ME: All right then, if they're aliens, let's see some alien behaviour. (Grabs a random MKW book from a shelf) Hello, Mr.
Kitty Kzinti! I've got some lovely fresh red meat for you if you show your alien nature—
Kzintosh ignores meat, laps up a bowl of tuna ice cream.
GHOD: (Grabs ice cream bowl, throws red meat at Kzintosh) There, he went for it!
ME: No he didn't, that was you tossing the meat!
GHOD: I never!
ME: Yes, you did!
GHOD: I never did—
ME: (Whacking book repeatedly on table) HELLO KITTY! TESTING, TESTING, TESTING! This is your alien alarm call!
Shakes several Kzinti out of the book... One is playing with a ball of yarn, another is looking for a litterbox, still another is
urinating on everything to claim dominion.
ME: Now that's what I call a litter of cats.
GHOD: No, no... no, they're pretending.
GHOD: Yeah, to put you off guard, right? You startled 'em, just as they was comin' out! Kzinti startle easily, y'know!
ME: Now look... now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. These Kzinti are definitely too catlike, and when I first saw them
not half a few decades ago, you assured me that their catlike appearance was due to a coincidence of environment following a prolonged
period of convergent evolution.
GHOD: Well, they're uh, they're probably pining for the plains.
ME: PININ' for the PLAINS?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did that one fall flat on his belly the moment he got home?
GHOD: The Kzinti prefer kibblin' on their belly! Remarkable aliens, innit squire? Beautiful markings!
ME: Look, I took the liberty of examining this species when I got done reading the stories, and I found the only reason it had been
catlike in the first place was that it's appearance had been DESCRIBED as such!
GHOD: Well, o' course it was DESCRIBED as such! If I hadn't nailed that bit down, they would have muzzled up in your face, torn
you apart with their claws, and VOOM!
ME: Mate, this species wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through 'em! They're bleedin' kittens!
GHOD: No, no, they're pretendin'!
ME: They're not PRETENDIN', they're PISSIN'! They are alien no more! They have ceased to be... alien! That bit has expired and
gone to meet its Fanged God! (Drops the book) They've gone stiff! Bereft of alien life, they wrestle with pieces of yarn!
If you hadn't nailed 'em to the premise they'd be pushing up their empire! Their metabolic processes are now feline! They're off the trick!
They've licked the tuna ice cream bucket, they've shuffled off for cod liver oil, clawed down the curtains and joined the bleedin' Sired intangible!
THIS— is an EX— ALIEN!!
GHOD: Well, I'd better replace 'em then. (Goes off and takes a quick look through her books) Sorry squire, I've had a look
'round the back, and we're right out of catlike aliens who only look like cats but don't act like them.
ME: I see. I see. I get the picture.
GHOD: I got a dolphin.
ME: Is it alien?
GHOD: Nnnnnoo, not really.
ME: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!
GHOD: D'you... d'you want to come back to my place?
ME: Yeah, allright, sure.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
END OF JOKE. This is a joke. This is only a joke. Had this been an actual serious complaint, it would not have been funny.